I wrote this for us…Do you want your kids to live your life?

Throughout our kids’ entire childhoods, we tell them they can be anything they want. We sit through school concerts listening to them sing their little hearts out about how important it is to dream. We sign them up for music and art classes and take them to sports practices and games. Helping them find something they are passionate about becomes our passion as parents.

We tell them to study and get good grades so they can do and be anything. Then, when they graduate – from high school or college – we tell them to bury it all.

Stuff it down.

We tell them that reality is that you need to get a job, make money, and pay bills.

What the hell?!

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Our society has created child-centric families. Parents spend all of their time trying to educate and inspire and chauffeur the kids to whatever gymnastic meet or soccer tournament or robotics competition the child is interested in this year.

Moms are literally exhausted. The biggest conversation between moms is how tired, busy, and worn out they are. Jokes about needing coffee and wine aren’t really jokes. Women are self-medicating to survive this crazy situation.

Think about what the word exhausted means. It means to “use up completely.” When you exhaust a flame, the fire goes out. Most women I know have dreams and goals that they have completely given up on. Or if they are working toward them, it feels like 1-step forward, 5 steps back, 3 steps sideways, before you take another step forward.

Restarting a fire is so much harder than keeping a fire going.

What if your family was a family-centric family instead of a child-centric family?

What if you talked about making choices that were best for the family?

What if you told your kids – frequently – that doing what is necessary to have a successful family is the top priority? And that to lead your family and do all the things that are part of your job in the family, certain things are necessary. That you need:

• To be rested. So, no, you will not take them to Fright Fest at Six Flags tonight and stay until midnight because you have a cold and need to get some sleep. However, they can organize going with another family or you will take them another day.
• To have quiet time to think. So if they wake up before 8 am on weekends, they are to stay in their room and read or play quietly. If they can do this, then at 8, you will make waffles with them because you will be happy after your quiet time.

Get the idea? There are so many things you may decide you need that would make you a better mom. Dinner with your friends once a month. A morning jog. Everyone in bed by 9 pm so you can have an hour to yourself before your bedtime. A shower.

They really will survive.

Even better – and the thing we are not realizing – is they will THRIVE.

“Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be.”

Don’t believe that? How many times have your own parents’ words come out of your mouth? How many times have you realized you are doing things the way your parents did them? I hear people say, “That’s what my parents did, and I turned out fine.” And if that’s the case – great!

But if you are still reading this, you probably are not thrilled with the way your life is going about now.

• You are worn out
• Sometimes crabby
• Maybe short-tempered
• Possibly martyr-ish
• Probably not proud of how you sometimes behave because of all of the above.

You are doing all of this because you love your kids so much. Do you really want your kids to feel like this as an adult? Would you want your daughter to live your life? I know I realized that I was horrified to think my sweet kids would feel this way. I don’t want them to feel exhausted and bitter and downtrodden and stifled. I want so much better for them.

We all know that actions speak louder than words. So, no matter how much you tell the kids about following their dreams and they can be anything they want, if they see you giving up everything and not taking care of yourself, that’s likely what they will do too. Harsh. But if you realize how many of your own habits mimic your mom’s, you know it’s true.

I remember when I was 12 or 13 seeing my mom look disapprovingly in the rearview mirror of the car as we pulled into the grocery store parking lot. She smoothed her hair and said, “I guess I could at least put on lipstick.” Then I looked at her faded old t-shirt and mom jeans that I knew she bought at Wal-Mart even though all of my and my sisters’ clothes were from the Limited or the Gap. She was not smiling.

I learned a lot that day. Mothers aren’t worth the time to take care of themselves. They aren’t worth the money to buy clothes that make them feel good. Mothers, and how they feel about themselves, aren’t as important as the other people in the family.

One day last year, I caught myself doing the same thing. I hurriedly swiped on my lipstick and threw my hair in ponytail using the car mirror before I rushed into Target with my kids in my flipflops that are falling apart and my chipped toenail polish showing. I noticed my 12-year old watching me. Ugh.

That’s a pretty tame example. I could also tell you stories of shaming, yelling, and martyrdom that break my heart to know I did that to my sweet kids. Your stories may include spanking, drinking, fighting…who knows. But I bet it looks a lot like what your house did growing up.

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Showing your kids how to take care of yourself and follow your passion is THE best gift you can give them.

You are not “taking time away from them.” You are giving them the best lesson you could possibly give them. Plus, you are giving them the gift of a happier, more fun, more successful mom.

Our big strategic goal for parenting is to raise happy, well-adjusted children who are set to have a successful adult life as contributing members of society. Everyone’s definition of those things – “success,” “contributing member of society,” “well-adjusted” – will be different and that’s fine. Define it for yourself. But, I don’t know any parents who would be disappointed to have adult kids that meet that definition.

What do you think is more likely to create an adult that meets that definition:

• Additional math practice with entertaining worksheets with a stressed-out mom nagging them to finish their homework so they can excel at school (homeschool, public, private – whatever).
• A shelf full of participation trophies for soccer, taekwondo, and bowling and an exhausted mom scrolling Facebook on her phone trying to make it through the evening.
• A happy mom who laughs with them and has energy to talk to them because she feels fulfilled and taken care of.

I am NOT telling you to be selfish. I am NOT telling you to stop trying to teach your kids, enrich their lives, or let them participate in things they enjoy. What I am saying, is that you count too. You are not a servant. You are not their slave. You are their role model of what to do in their own adult life.

The key is communication.

Don’t tell them, “Mommy has to work. I’m sorry I can’t play.”

Tell them, “I am so excited that I get to work on this project! Don’t you love it when you get to work on something you are excited about? What project would you like to work on while I work on mine?” They may say they don’t want to work on anything. That they want to sit on your lap or they want you to entertain them. Be strong. Remember, they learn more by watching you. If you stick with your plan and work happily on your project (not grouchy or complaining), you are teaching them that you believe your plans and passions are important. That you are worth the time.

Not only does this help them begin to understand that there are other priorities in the world than their own needs and wants (a tough, but important lesson for all kids), but it teaches them that they can do the same when they grow up.

What is more important than teaching your kids that their passions and interests and plans are worth the effort?

If they aren’t, then what the hell are you doing all of this for?